Call to Return
by Atolm2000
Summary: PG for some language FinishedSlightly preseries just because it was decided that Sanzo would deal with the growing problems, doesn't mean it was easy to get him to listen or answer. Edited to fix the formatting problems.
1. An Official Appeal

Don't own Saiyuki or any of the people below. I wrote it in first-person originally while riding to class in the morning, and pondered putting it in third person like what I usually write in, realized how much work that'd be, and said "Screw it. I'm leaving it in first person." Soooo yaaaay bitchy hung-over Sanzo POV!! ….there's probably going to have to be a second chapter to this later ;; when I'm less behind on other projects. Re-uploaded to fix the FREAKING formatting thing...GIVE ME REAL PARAGRAPHS YOU DAMN MACHINES!! kicks   
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Goku's literally waiting right outside my door when I get up in the morning; it's as if he managed to hold still and quiet until the moment the door cracked open, at which point he comes close to a usual hyperactive greeting which flags when he gets a look at me. "You look like Hell, Sanzo. Maybe you should try sleeping?"

"I'll sleep when I'm dead.", I mumble, heading for the stairs and trying to ignore the part of me that wants to just fall back into bed and nurse the headache. He runs to catch up and starts bouncing around running circles around me as I'm heading downstairs. Look like Hell - eh, so I forgot to shave for a couple days. It's not like my hair does too much obeying anyway, so why bother with that, either?

"What's wrong, Sanzo? You've been acting weird two weeks now. Is this about those letters you tore up? Why would those be keeping you from sleeping? Who were they from anyway? You don't usually get letters, much less scrolls with all that wax and ribbons! Something's going on, isn't it, Sanzo? What's going on? Tell meeeeee!" Maybe someday, if I'm lucky, those five hundred years of pent-up energy will finally run out and he'll slow down. Maybe.

"Coffee. Can't you wait until I've had coffee?"

He stops dancing around right in front of me, blocking the bottom of the stairs, looking up at me like a begging puppy. "If I wait until you've got coffee, will you tell me?"

"...Maybe."

That seems to be enough for him, and he darts out into the restaurant, flagging down a waitress.

He actually lets me get halfway through picking at breakfast before he starts in again. "So what's up? Why aren't you sleeping lately? Are you having nightmares or something?" Nightmares - not quite the word. I try to tune him out.

"That's it, isn't it? You're having nightmares! So what's it about that's getting to you like this? With all the stuff you don't blink at, it'd have to be something; I mean, you don't blink at anything that normally scares people, so it's gotta be something else...it gotta do with why you're so nasty all the time? You didn't start until after those letters came so it's gotta have something to do with that - those were from the temple, right? That's what the courier said, right?" If the gods are merciful, there will be a gag on the table the next time I look up from my plate. "You're supposed to be some kind of bigshot priest, right? So what pissed you off against the temple so badly 'side the obvious, what'd they want with those letters, and why'd it be giving you nightmares?"

He's waiting for an answer; I just try to enjoy the moment of peace and quiet to drink my coffee. By the time I've pulled out a cigarette he realizes I've got no intention of answering yet. "C'mon, Sanzo! If it's some kind of big secret, you can trust me! I swear on my name I won't tell anyone anything you tell me as a secret, I'll take it to my grave, just tell me! What was in those letters from the temple and why aren't you sleeping? That's really not good for you, y'know. Are the nightmares really that bad?"

"It's not nightmares." He leans across the table waiting for me to explain. "Just summons."

"Ooooh...the calling in dreams thing?"

"Yes." I'm never going to have a peaceful morning again since I picked him up. "Except they know damn well what they're doing."

"So what do they want so badly?"

"Eh." I shrug and lean back.

"You don't know?"

"Don't know, don't care."

"Two letters and dreams - it's gotta be SOMETHING important. Aren't you at least curious?"

"Not really."

"Can't you go see what it is and tell them to fuck off if you don't want to do it?"

"That'd depend on what they want and why."

"But you're not even going to see what it is? Why?"

"I'm not interested in anything that temple can offer me."

"Why?"

"They're a bunch of hypocritical, self-righteous assholes and I left for a reason."

"Why?"

"Because no matter what -" Damnit, one of these days I'll remember not to fall for that game. I shoot him a glare over my cigarette. "Why do you keep doing that?"

"If you keep asking why long enough, and the other person keeps answering, you find the secret of existence."

I start ignoring him in favor of my drink, muttering about "immature pain in the ass", "bloody fool", and "why do I even bother" now and then.

He perks up and starts watching something in the hallway, where the front desk is; the owner's talking to someone and being really formal; I thought I'd heard my name.

"We have someone by that name here, but I don't think he's a priest..."

"He is probably simply trying to pose as a common peasant, as a display of humility." Fuck. I know that voice - crap.

"Damn, they're sending the high muckety-mucks...", I mutter. Goku nods and keeps his eyes on the door over my shoulder.

"That's...not really what I meant...", the owner wavers.

"May we see him?"

"Oh, of course!"

They're headed this way; I'm going to be drinking more alcohol than what's in the coffee today, at this rate. One of the two thanks the innkeeper, says "That'll be all", and says a short blessing. I've got my head in my hands, trying to look as half-asleep as I feel. It can't be hard, Goku looked at me earlier as if I were a walking corpse.

"Genjo Sanzo?"

I push my chair back and turn enough to look up at the priests - higher ups, full regalia. They're both looking quite uncomfortable, eyeing the table and the wreck I must look.

"Yes, what is it?" There's a moment of silence; if they didn't both know me, they'd probably turn around, leave, and keep looking for the real Genjo Sanzo. "Finally decide to leave your ivory towers for a change?"

The superior one sighs heavily. "It saddens me greatly to see you living like this." I roll my eyes. "You bring disgrace to the temple, to your title, and to your predecessor's memory." There's a half second death glare, a twinge - he did not just…

I stand up fast and walk toward the door. "Let's go, Goku, we're getting our things and leaving. Now."

"Sanzo wait, this is important!" He catches my shoulder as I'm storming by; I pull away, snarling.

"If it's not important enough for you to shove your self-righteous ego for once, it's not important enough for me to give a shit!" I keep going, and Goku follows. The second they brought up Koumyou was the second they blew their chances.

He takes a couple slow, deep breaths, only barely speaking up. "We need your help with something. We were told to find you. There's...probably nobody else in the temple who'd be able to deal with this anyway."

I stop on my way out the door, glaring slightly less balefully over one shoulder; he's staring at the ground, not daring to look at me. Goku runs into me from behind. Did I just hear one of the high priests eating crow? "So what is it, then?"

"I would hope…that you are aware…of the recent behavior of the youkai?"

….Somehow, I was afraid they'd say that. "Hard to miss." I rest against the doorway, back to them; I'm still debating just leaving.

"Something has to be done, and I'm afraid you're about the only one we can turn to within the temple with the…" He shifts uncomfortably, picking his words with distaste for the subject. "...aptitude for conflict necessary."

"You want me to fight your battles because nobody else knows how." I push away from the door and look back at them, snarling. "And because none of your people are willing to get blood on their hands, right?"

He blanches, edging back. "There is more than that, but I am afraid that many who might impede this are beyond being reached, and you were specifically named for other reasons as well. You may find the explanation at length at the Temple, if you would allow us to escort you - we will wait if you wish time to make yourself presentable."

I start up the stairs, weaving more from lack of sleep than anything else; I haven't had enough to drink to do more than take the edge off the hangover yet. "Feh. I'm not your assassin. Go find someone else to do your dirty work." Goku's keeping almost uncharacteristically quiet behind me.

"Sanzo, wait! Things grow worse by the day, and at this rate, soon there may not be any youkai left in possession of their right minds - something must be done!"

I turn around halfway up the staircase, one hand on the wall, the other on the railing. "If you want me to listen, I want a better explanation what the Hell you want from me." Goku doesn't run into me this time; he's looking between me and the priests, taking in the whole argument.

"Aaah, I'm afraid I cannot give you all the answers in such surroundings; please, if you'd only come to the temple and hear us out-"

"I'll get ready." Goku slips past me scrambling for his room; I turn my back on them and storm up the stairs without another word. It takes them a minute to get the nerve to follow.

"Sanzo, you're the only one capable of-" My room door slams before they've even really gotten into the upstairs hallway.

By the time I've gotten my things packed, Goku's leaning in the hallway waiting, and they're standing just past him. I nod to Goku as I walk by, and go right past them without even acknowledging their presence.

"Please, be reasonable and hear us out! This is far more complicated and important than you're making it out to be!" I'm halfway down the stairs and still haven't stopped; they start following me again. "Genjo Sanzo, for once can you set aside this stubborn pride to attend to your duties?"

"They'll take care of the bill." I growl at the owner as I pass by. I hear one last exasperated "Sanzo!" as the front door closes behind us, and I make it a point to disappear into the people milling on the street as quickly as I can, before they can get out and tail us anymore.

Goku catches up to walk beside me, tugging on one sleeve. "…Are things really that bad?"

"…Eh. Could be." I can only go by what I've heard….

"Y'think Gojyo and Hakkai are alright?"

That's where I stop dead, and he almost passes me. Eyes closed, Damnit, they've got to be alright, and if they're not…

If they're not, I don't want to be the one…

"They can take care of themselves." I stay still until I've got the reaction back under control, then continue on to head somewhere a bit further away, where they're less likely to track me down so easily.


	2. Picking up the Pieces

Much thanks to Isil Elen for a large amount of input on Hakkai's part in this, but then, she's already gotten the title "Mistress of Hakkai Angst" on her fic, "Here Lies Gonou". Shameless return plug! Shameless return plug! Wheee for more hungover bitchy Sanzo POV…

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I wake up to my door opening a bit earlier than what's normal for Goku's "If you sleep any longer we'll miss breakfast!" calls. For some reason, it's Hakkai's voice talking quietly at the door; the blanket's warm where the sun's just starting to come in at sunrise, my head's reached an old familiar state of aching pain, everything's stiff and the vaguest thought of food sets my stomach into conniptions.

"Oh, and Goku - it would be much appreciated if you could find what's on this list for me in town." Translation - "I'm going to want to deal with this alone, I need you to clear the area."

Silent pause; I'm not opening my eyes or doing anything to betray that I'm awake. "Yeah, sure, whatever. I'll get it, dunno how long it'll take." Translation - "I get it, you're getting rid of me, just do something about this." The door shuts, there's quiet footsteps over to the chair and table by the bed, he sets something down, and sits down in silence.

Not getting up yet. Not dealing with this. I'll get up on my own bloody schedule, and find out why he's here then. He'd been staying with Gojyo; someone must've told him to come out here, and the only thing I can think of is that the Temple must've somehow convinced him to come out here and fetch me, knowing that I won't blow him off the way I would the higher priests.

The sun moves….and continues moving…and passes out of range of the window, all without a single movement from Hakkai, who's still sitting by the bedside, waiting for me to wake up. I'm not going to get out of this, not without putting him through more trouble than I want to be responsible for.

I crack one eyelid; he's sitting as calm and unruffled as if he'd just arrived, with the same bloody quiet smile that's become about as permanent on him anymore as my death glare on me. "Good morning!" There goes any chance of not betraying that I'm awake.

I close the one eye again and growl, "It's afternoon."

"Oh dear, then I'll have to ask the innkeeper's wife to cook you lunch instead of fresh breakfast." He waves cheerfully at the covered tray sitting on the table. "I'm afraid this one got cold." He…brought….food. There's a pang of nausea; I curl closer into the blanket with a pained whimper. The smile shifts the barely noticeable half degree from blithely ignoring my crankiness to chiding. "You have to eat, and no arguments! You've been drinking without eating, and if you keep that up, you'll put a hole in your stomach - and then you'd have to give up alcohol entirely!" Wonderful; in becoming Cho Hakkai, he became the mother I never had. Give up alcohol and I give up food; I wince and give a defeated moan.

"Come on, let me help you up." He pulls the blanket off, leaving me with an obnoxious chill and giving some warning before he touches my shoulder to help me sit up through all the aches and complaints, hands glowing; the headache and pains are already starting to dissolve. "You'll feel better after a hot bath and fresh clothes." With the hangover aches lessened, other things start standing out; like that my undershirt's reaching a point where stains become visible on black. When was the last time…probably close to the last time I was sober. I can actually spot a tangled knot in my bangs hanging in front of my eyes as Hakkai moves out of sight to the bathroom.

I shove the blankets more out of the way and lurch out of bed, putting a hand on the table to steady myself. Now that I'm trying to move, my limbs are remembering that they hurt, although it's not as bad as it would've been; there's a vague sense of the room wobbling in vertigo, impossible to tell whether it's the alcohol, the hangover, or how little I've been eating lately causing that. I hold still leaning on the table until my vision quits trying to weave, by which time Hakkai's on his way for the door out of the room; he stops with one hand on the doorknob, acting just cheerful enough for the mood to grate on the hangover. "I've heated the water for you. I want to see you in that tub when I get back! I'm just going to ask that nice lady to start cooking your lunch." Yep. Mother mode. I growl a response, not really bothering to talk; he disappears out the door.

Part of me wants to argue; I hate taking orders. But there's not really any way to get around it; I'm a mess, and likely would've done this anyway whenever the dreams laid off enough for me to consider getting sober, with a lot more aches, pains, and hassle, and Hakkai's not even harassing me over it like some others would. I manage to make it to the tub with a minimum of weaving through the wobbly balance, dropping my rumpled clothes next to it; setting on a stool off to the side, Hakkai's already managed to find and lay out clean clothes.

I settle into the hot water, the steam making the threat of light headedness a reality for a few seconds. Eyes closed, I just rest that way for a few minutes, letting the heat unknot some of the cramps and stiffness. About when I get around to trying to get clean, Hakkai returns to the main room, coming and going, cleaning up. He shouldn't be cleaning up after me; I'm not supposed to make other people take care of me. Pangs of guilt start creeping in around the edges of the half-faded headache. I'm tempted to tell him to leave the room go, I'll deal with it, but I know he wouldn't let me get away with that; I can think of two or three ready excuses off the top of my head that I wouldn't be able to refute, and he's probably got several more. The sooner I'm out of the tub, the sooner I can start trying to take care of my messes.

After I'm done, there's still movement in the main room; I glance out to make sure Hakkai's not in sight of the bathroom appendage, grab the towel, and get out. I catch glimpses of my reflection in the old brass-framed mirror hanging on the wall while I'm getting dressed; even clean I look like death warmed over. I could almost count my own ribs in places, my hair's got more than one rat's nest, the beginnings of scraggly whiskers are showing, reminding me that I'm one of those people that was never meant to stop shaving.

I walk back into the main room, ready to tell Hakkai that I'm fine and he can quit fussing over me, and find it completely cleaned and straightened. He's waiting, still smiling quietly, eyes closed, by the table and chair, the covered breakfast tray replaced by a tray with my straight razor and everything else.

This is just going too far.

I raise a hand, to lend emphasis to my protests, and realize my hand is shaking; there's a good inch wobble. An internal debate starts - damnit, people aren't supposed to worry about me that much, I'm supposed to take care of myself, if I wanted servants waiting on me, I'd go back to the temple or take on a couple of the more sycophantic students -

- I wasn't completely crashing and burning, I just wasn't keeping myself up, if he sees my hand shaking I'm doomed, I'm lucky I don't have scars from the last few times I remembered to shave after letting myself go like this, I hate seeing blood when I'm strung out like this even if it's my own, not when I'm not trying to hurt myself.

I stalk over and slump in the chair, hands folded in my lap, giving up; I know where that train of thought goes, and I'm not following it when there's someone around to see it. He wouldn't go away if I argued anyway, not after coming all the way out here like this. I close my eyes and let him work, relaxing in spite of myself. Somehow, it manages to be my own damn fault; if I'd put at least a little effort into taking care of myself, then Hakkai wouldn't have had a reason to go mother-mode on arriving, and wouldn't have gone to all this work over me when it's supposed to be my job to take care of people. I might be lousy at that, but if nothing else, I need to be less lousy at not getting other people putting themselves out for me.

By the time I'm vaguely presentable, he ducks out saying something about lunch; I try to follow him out after the door shuts, and end up running into him as if he'd expected me to do that, smiling cheerfully with one finger to his lips.

"Now, don't worry, I'll bring it here - you just rest." He nudges the door shut.

I walk back to the bed and sit down; he'd been doing more healing-work getting rid of the aftereffects, although the light-headed hasn't gone away yet, so that part's probably from not eating.

He comes back with the tray again; soup, soft bread, and more than one glass of juice, a clear hint to get fluids and stop drinking for now. I start picking over it, trying to ignore the nervous twitches my system is still having at the idea of food. Damnit. At least when I get sick from doing stupid, I can't control the sick part, but this…I did this to myself, and got the same end results, forcing someone to deal with my problems because I wasn't doing it myself.

There's a temptation to fall back into brooding on the past. "So why did you come all the way out here?" The temple had to've told him, I'm asking to distract myself.

"Ah…I had some very high-ranking visitors."

"….Figured." The soup's not bothering me as much as I'd been worried about; but then, it looks like he intentionally picked up food that wouldn't risk making me sick. "What'd they want?"

"I'm afraid they didn't tell me." He pauses, something uncomfortable creeping past his smile; it's like he's trying to find a way to say something without coming straight out and saying it. "Or rather…once I heard you were staying here again, I was horribly impolite and didn't let them finish." He's going over every word carefully as he says it.

So he didn't give them time to give him any messages to relay…just came to pick up the pieces when he heard I was trying to crawl in a hole and vanish again.

Fuck…why do people keep worrying about me?

"I take it this means I'm going to have to face them to find out what they wanted."

"I'm sorry. I know how much you dislike spending time there; I shouldn't have been so impatient as to leave before hearing what else they had to say." He's backpedaling carefully. Damnit, this isn't his fault! He's just been caught in the middle.

"It's not your fault. I should've known I couldn't avoid them forever." There's an awkward silence. "Hakkai? You don't need to take orders from them. Try not to let them disrupt your life too much."

"If you mean about coming out here - I didn't give them a chance to ask. It was my decision to see how you were doing." Another carefully worded sentence, with a warning drop in how much of the guarded cheerfulness he keeps. It almost feels like he's throwing my own words from long ago back at me, except he has no way of knowing what I used to say when I was younger - my choice. My decision. "You will take care of yourself, right?" Not commenting on how I was when he found me, just nudging me about future actions. It's almost frustrating how easily he can cut off avenues for me to dodge. I'm not looking up at him, just watching the soup he brought.

"…Right."

"Good! Then I have nothing to worry about." Back to the old innocent cheerful act; he's gotten the answer he was fishing for, now he's not going to give me any purchase to get out of it. "Well, if you're going to be traveling to Chang An, I suppose I should head back home - when you're done eating, of course?" He's probably not just doing it to be polite; he's going to stay long enough to make sure I finish eating.

"Of course." Yes, mother…


	3. Rose Colored Stained Glass Windows

This was an epilogue-type thing that I hadn't originally intended; I ended up writing it in grammar class, on a fidget. The lyrics quotes (Rose Colored Stained Glass Windows, Jars Of Clay) are largely thanks to Hakuryuu's psychic random-shuffle. Yes, my iPod's name is Hakuryuu. It's small, it's cute, it's white, it beeps when some functions come on. -coughs- although after I put the passages where they seemed most appropriate, I realized there were implications I hadn't initially noticed…-coughs-

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_Another sleepy Sunday_

_Safe within the walls_

_Outside a dying world _

_In desperation calls_

_But no one hears the cries_

_Or knows what they're about_

_All the doors are locked within_

_Frozen from without_

_Looking through rose colored stained glass windows_

_Never allowing the world to come in_

_Seeing no evil and feeling to pain_

_Making the light as it comes from within-_

_So dim_

Chang An seemed to be busier, in more disorder, than I had ever remembered. There was a desperate cast to the crowds, more ragged than usual, with subdued murmurs running through; more beggars and homeless along the roads. It was a wheel of people as always, but the kaleidoscope seemed rusted and cracked. An acolyte ducked through the crowd nearby; I caught his shoulder, stopping him and tugging for him to turn around.

The boy started, almost cried out, then recognition caught up. "Honored Sanzo! We've been waiting for you - should I inform them of your arrival?" Honored Sanzo. This is one of the reasons I left.

"In a minute. What's going on?"

He tilts his head at me, struggling to pin down what I'm asking.

"Chang An's a mess. Why?"

"Ah! It's mostly the Youkai, really; there's many people from the country coming here for safety, and even the youkai here in Chang An are going out of control. The doctors are overloaded caring for both the people of the city and the people fleeing here from further west, and overtaxed again without being able to turn to the Youkai healers for the worst injuries. You'll be able to do something about this, right?"

He's looking to me for hope. It had occurred to me long ago that my job was to carry the world; it's not surprising that it's finally becoming literal. Why are they turning to me? I struggle to take care of those around me, and they want me to fix things for everyone? "I'll see what I can do. Go on ahead."

He bows as much as he can on the crowded street and darts off back toward the temple. I sent him off because I didn't want to put up with the usual parroting of dogmas following on my heels with delusions of my grandeur, but now that I sent him ahead to announce me, they'll be waiting for me to arrive. If I'm lucky, they won't have much time to prepare any ceremony.

I turn to scan the crowds, expecting to find Goku distracted at one of the vendor's stalls; instead he's standing right behind me where he had been, almost uncharacteristically quiet, just fixing me with a dry, vaguely accusing look. I've had warning of this for over a month, he's been nagging me to find out if this was something important, and it's been my own stubbornness dragging things to a halt; 'I told you so' would've been easier to take.

I try to find some excuse, but I don't have any. He's right and he's been right, and I've let things go when lives were at stake again. I turn back the direction of the temple, eyes on the cobblestones. "We're going."

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_Out on your doorstep_

_Lay the masses in decay_

_Ignore them long enough and maybe they'll go away_

_We have so much, you think_

_You have so much to lose_

_You think you have no lack_

_We're really destitute_

_Looking through rose colored stained glass windows_

_Never allowing the world to come in_

_Seeing no evil and feeling no pain_

_Making the light as it comes from within -_

_So dim_

The temple stairs rise out of the center of the city, immaculately kept, with groomed trees on either side of the white stone retaining walls that flank the steep white stone stairs. It's like passing through some kind of invisible wall from the city, the noise and murmur vanishing into the background with each step. Goku runs ahead, hopping easily onto the four inch wide retaining wall and dashing up that instead of the stairs, then stopping and sliding back down to where I'm resolutely walking up the stairs. "Come on, we're almost there!" I close my eyes and growl slightly, walking the stairs by rote memory. "Sanzooo!" He edges along the wall parallel to me for a few seconds, then huffs and runs back ahead, reaching the gates well ahead of me, where he has to wait; they won't let him in without me.

I stop at the gates to look back at Chang An, the noise of merchants, beggars, and refugees, then ahead at the temple courtyard as they open the gates to me; clean, mostly empty, quiet, carefully kept, as close to heaven as they can achieve, walled off from the world around them as if denying its existence - an illusion. Three of he highest ranking priests are waiting, the same ones that've harassing my dreams to get me to do all the work for them.

"Honored Genjo Sanzo." All three of them bow deeply, and I return it without a word; I'll follow their protocols while I'm here, but only as much as is necessary to deal with them. "The Sanbutshin have been awaiting your arrival." Sanbutshin? So they're cutting out even the high priests as intermediaries this time; no wonder they hadn't told me much, they probably weren't told. The one on the right gestures to lead me on; I turn back to Goku, standing off to the side, sticking out against the courtyard and the white robes everywhere. "Wait here in the courtyard; I'll be back as soon as this is finished."

"Yeah, yeah, don't take too long." I step forward to follow the priests; they cringed visibly at my instructions to him. I don't really care if he gets on their nerves for a while; they could use the interjection of reality from dealing with him.

We pass from the outer courtyard, through the central gates, to the main inner courtyard, the shrine of the Sanbutshin visible ahead.

I took this job on myself, and I will deal with this by my own choice, because people are suffering, not because they've asked or ordered me; it doesn't look like they're doing any more to actually help things than they usually do. I'll hear the Sanbutshin out, then take care of this as I see fit; if they want me to take on everything so they can hide behind their white walls and distant observations, they're just going to have to trust my judgement.


End file.
